Monday, October 31, 2011

Living a new dream....

I've tried to have a different view of things lately.....October was devastating to put it mildly. I started my period the same day as my due date after telling myself I was pregnant. I was so emotionally shattered I've decided to take a break from it all. I've decided to live presently in the dream I'm in.. I have an amazing husband and we have a love story that anyone would be lucky to have, I have an amzibg, loving, smart, sweet little boy. We gave had the ability to take him to Disney and the beach every year. When I look outside the box I realize I am already blessed. It's amazing how therapeutic it is to just have a few weeks already of not thinking what day I'm on, actually get to make love with my husband whenever I want(not on a schedule), and try to get back to myself emotionally and physically. I almost felt like I had lost myself in the mist of all my grief.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Hard time....

Well since the last time I've blogged it has been an emotional rollercoaster. The last 2 rounds of clomid have failed. On my third and due to start Sunday and do I do not feel pregnant so I am expecting and preparing to start my period again. This week is also my sweet baby's due date. Miss my angel more than I could of ever imagined, I've even been dreaming of them more...
Work has been EXTREMLY hard. I am seriously thinking of changing my career that I have wanted for so long and worked so hard for. But constantly working hard to give people the one thing u can't have is hell. There has been so many patients with my babies exact due date and I can't help but hate them for getting to hold their healthy baby in their arms.
I have decided that if I'm not pregnant this month I am taking a break for the holidays so I can enjoy the precious miracle baby boy that I already have. Anyone else ever take a break for the holidays??
My brother is coming for thanksgiving and I am excited but dreading it... The day that I started my period last month my SIL announced she is having a girl. I'm happy for them, but don't understand why done people just get to send their requests to God and get exactly what they want...she had already announced on FB that they will have as many children as needed to have a girl. Any tips on how to get through them being here for 10 days without bursting into tears every second??
Well see where we go from here, I have been keeping very busy with my family. We've been taking my son away somewhere every weekend I have off, and he has been having a blast:-) so thankful I have him... But secondary infertility is more painful than I could of ever imagined..thank u for your advise and reading this:-)

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Really trying to keep my head up....

Its been a hard couple of days. I did clomid 100mg days 5-9 and im on day 18 and still no ovulation!! I don't know why it's not frustrating!! It's been 14 months of an emotional roller coaster and I'm ready for an easy day. Yesterday I got a baby magazine that I have unsubscribed to numerous times....completely ruined my day. I am really trying to be positive but it is so hard some days. I'm dreading going to work to put a smile on my face and give people heathy babies, when that is the only thing I really want. I would compare it to having a recovering alcholic being a bar tender, it's horrible giving people the one thing u want when most if them can't even stop texting to breast feed. It will get better with time I know, but just hard..

Friday, July 22, 2011

Starting over.....

♥ “We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” -E.M. Forester
This quote is the best way I can explain how I am feeling lately.
Since the last blog entry I have been an emotional wreck. My sister in law, who is younger and I just have to say immature is pregnant with her second. My nephewher first is 9 months younger than my son. She got pregnant the exact time that I orginally planned to over a year ago. What bothers me the most is the way they told us. On skype with my son sitting right there, they said nothing and expected us to read my nephews shirt about being a big brother, I acted excited but inside I was dying. And what killed me the mist was Carson. He acted sad and confused that Riley was a big brother. My family has been supportive when they want to, my mother and father don't understand how I feel. I guess the best way to explain it is that it really is like watching someone else live my dream. The dream about having a double stroller with 2 kids that I have had since I was 5. So when my mom mentioned that my sister in law got a double stroller it hit me in the hart, seems so silly but it did. I have really tried to be happy for them, but every time I log on Facebook she gas put something about being pregnant. There was one day there was 4 post in one day about her pregnancy and she keeps taking pics of the ultrasound with different scrap book styles. I think what makes it worse is that when they told us they were pregnant they talked about how it took 4 long months to get pregnant and that they were so worried when they thought she had twins.....had they just completely forgot what we've been through?!?! Not once did they call to see how I doing when everything wad going on, so I'm having a hard time calling her to se how she's doing with her pregnancy. My mom says I should go to counseling. So I could really use the advise to mommies out there who have been through this.. Thank u! Starting first clomid cycle today since our loss, so I am trying to start this cycle with positive thoughts, so just trying to work through this feeling of jealously that I don't want to have:-) I want to be happy for them....

Monday, June 6, 2011

Trying to move on

Well it's been a while. I can honestly say I feel like I've been in denial for 3 months. Having 3 months of having to not get pregnant was different. We had a great time and went on vacation and took my son to Disney world and the beach for 5 nights. I had a wonderful time and really felt like I got to enjoy myself.
Last Wednesday I had my laprascopy and they found a lot of endo. It was even attaching my ovaries to my bowels, so surgery was a good thing. My tubes looked great, so we are very excited about this good news. I am recovering well I have to say that recovery from surgery is a piece of cake compared to the methyltrixate shot 3 months ago.
As I start moving on I am dreading the future s little bit. This month marks a year of trying for us and it is very devastating that a year later I am not holding a baby and I am not pregnant and I am pretty much exactly where I was a year ago.I am a little nervous to start trying again and hoping and praying it won't take more than a year.
One thing in the last 3 months I've learned it that I do need to blog, it helps me with feeling like im getting my feelings out, so as I go on the clomid and fertility treatments again I will be sure to blog. Thank u for your support:-)

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

What does it mean?

Well since my last post ive had my good and bad days. The day we put the crib in away that was a bad day, I balled and refused to clean it before it went in storage. The day I completely lost it at work uncontrollably crying, that was a bad day. This morning before I woke up I had a dream that everytime I think of it I burst out into tears. Have u ever had a dream that was so real you could hear, smell, and feel everything as if u are there? That's what this was. I dreamed that I was playing with my baby girl that looked just like Carson, she was about 6 months old and her room was the guest room in pink, I just kept running my fingers through her hair, and I could just feel with my hands her soft baby hair. I could feel her soft skin and could smell the beautiful just bathed baby smell. I was feeling so thankful for her, so in love. When I woke up she was gone, than the pit in my stomach and the reality of everything hit me really hard and I woke up crying and have cried 2x Moore. I love my son so much and a part of me feels guilty for longing for more.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Moving into SpRiNg!!

Carson and I had a beautiful morning at a new park. We are loving this weather here(we are in Missouri and it's been a bitter, cold winter) I love that my job allows me to be a stay at home mom 4 days a week. It felt so good to get to start being a mommy again and not have to be sitting in the couch because I was in so much pain from cramping, I am feeling mire like myself. Although even still at out beautiful play date there was a mom who had a kid carsons age and was pregnant, I heard her friend ask how she was doing and she remarked that she is due in august so of course she will be miserable all summer, I have to admit a little part if me wanted to give her a slap in the face, I would give anything to be "miserable" this summer with the baby I lost. But of course I just ignored the comment and went on playing with my little man, he is truly a blessing.
Last night Carson moved into his big boy bed, and a little part of me is so sad because I always thought we would need the crib for another baby by the time he moved out of it. The original plan was to move the big boy room to the guest bedroom and keep the nursery intact for the next, but I can't bear to keep the nursery empty and look at it everyday so the crib will be going into the shed and well hope we will have to get it out in a little bit. Maybe it will help me getting all the baby stuff out of the house. Thanks for reading:-) and I love comments, so nice to know I'm not alone in this.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Getting back to the swing of things

Well this week at work is not quite as bad as I thought, although there were times after a delivery that I just wanted to start crying and there was a few times I felt so mad at the patient because I felt like they were not as appreciative to have a healthy baby as I would of been. But I would say overall it went ok. The worst part was the looks and pats on the back from everyone, even all the docs. It was nice to know they were thinking of me, but it was just hard to see the pity looks from everyone.  A coworker of mine told me she knew exactly how I felt because she had a tubal pregnancy, than continues to tell me that it was after she had her tubes tied for sterility. She really has no idea how I feel, the worst part of all this was loosing and having to take medication to end the pregnancy that I wanted more than anything.
I am still horrifically cramping and bleeding but my labs are down to 400's so I was pretty happy that they were going down, and I am starting to feel not as pregnant.
St. Patricks day was a hard day, it was the day that we were scheduled for our 10 week ultrasound, I had looked so foreword to it. I could not help but thinking all day of how happy we could of been that day, it was pretty tough.
Carson and DH make everyday a little easier for me and I love them so much for that, but I still feel like there is a little part of me missing and I don't know if that will ever go away.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Scared to death.

Well tomorrow is my first day back to work since my loss. I am so scarred how I am going to do. I had to hold back tears today at the play place with my son when out of the other 2 moms there one had a 5 week old and one was pregnant and booth had children the same age as my son. What am I going to do in the middle of a delivery?? Just start bawling?!?! Well see how this goes:-(

Friday, March 11, 2011


A Little about me:
I am a 26 year old mommy and wife. My husband and I have been together for 10 years and were high school sweethearts, we will be married for 5years this summer. I could not imagine my life with out him. He makes me laugh everyday and is always there for me. We had a son in 9/2008 the first month that we started trying even though the doctors warned us that it might be a challenge with PCOS and endometrosis.  Carson is the joy of our lives. We love him so much and thank God for him every day.
 I have been a labor and delivery nurse as well for 5 years and it puts me in a hard situation at times, with wanting another baby so badly and constantly caring for others who seem to not to have to try. I love my job and the people I work with but sometimes wonder how mentally and emotionally healthy it is for me to continue working there.
I am writing this blog as therapy for me and maybe there is someone else out there who has gone through what I have with trying to have a second child. If you are reading this and you have had a similar situation please let me know, there seems to be no support for mommies who have had ectopic and are dealing with secondary infertility. I have found a few blogs that have helped me with the feelings that I have. I am not a professional writer so if you are on this blog to critique and do not have an open heart and mind go else where.
Things people say:
One of the most upsetting things that I have heard throughout this journey is that we are not thankful for our son because we want another child. I know people are trying to be comforting, and have no idea how I am feeling. But these words hit you like a arrow to the heart. I love my friends and family and their support has carried me through, but I think there is just no way they can know how I feel until they have to look at an ultrasound of their baby that they will never get to hold. I am constantly being asked when are you going to have another? Like I am weird because I have one child. After about 8 months of trying I was honest and told them about how we have been trying and God just hasn't blesses us yet so people would stop asking.
Our Journey:
We tried for 6months before we saw our OB. I laugh when I look back now, but I remember how nervous and excited we were the first time we started trying to have a baby. We thought we had everything planned out, the due date would be march 2011. I  just knew that month and every month since that I was pregnant. I swore I had every symptom in the book, and everyday I went to work  I dreamed of the day that I would get to be in the labor and delivery suite again. I dreamed of what our new baby would look like, that I would deliver in the same room that I delivered Carson in. I was getting ideas from patients on where to but adorable big brother shirts. If I knew now what I knew than I would of laughed at my self.
We started seeing my OB who is a wonderful doctor that I work with in November. We got some labs done and my progesterone showed that I was not ovulating at all. I was devastated to know that all those months of daydreaming, was just that. The next baby was not going to be near as easy. We stated the provera, and clomid. Waiting each month for my period was the worst, I took at least 4-5 pregnancy test every  month before I would start. (I would never really admit this to anyone else and my husband thought I was probably going a little crazy) Seeing negative result after negative result each month was devastating. I felt like a complete and utter failure. Why was is so hard to have another baby? We are good, loving parents and we would give anything for our son. After about 9 months of trying I was an emotional roller coaster. I started feeling angry at work, which is not like me. I didn't know why it wasn't me in that  labor bed getting ready to have my baby, why didn't I deserve it?? I blame some of this on the horrific drug clomid which I am dreading having to go on again.

The baby that I never got to hold:
We Finally got good news! On Valentines day 2011 I decided to take a pregnancy test because I still hadn't started, I was on day 34 and I was feeling sick. I went to the store to get treats for my sons party at school and I decided to just pick up a test. I went home, peed on the stick, and started to make treats for my sons class. I asked my hubby to go and check the test because I could not bear to look at another negative result, since I took a test 2 days earlier on my birthday and it was negative. He came out of our bathroom crying, asking if I was playing a joke on him. We were pregnant!! We were so excited and I really felt like everything was going to be ok
These memories seem like a distant dream to me now. The following Friday I was at work and started having horrific stabbing pains on my left side. I talked to the on call OB and he assured me that it was probably just a cyst since I am now 5 1/2 weeks pregnant, was on fertility meds and had PCOS. He sent me home from work and told me to rest. I spent the whole weekend in bed. By Monday I was feeling better and decided to go to work and was feeling better. Tuesday I started spotting dark blood and continued until Wednesday when I went to work. I called my OB since she was out of town and I immediately went over to get an ultrasound at 1030. I told 2 of my close girlfriends at work what was going on and they were trying to keep me cheerful until I had to go the to US. Waiting for the ultrasound with my husband I just knew everything was ok, I was just spotting. When we went to go get the US they could not find an intrauterine pregnancy and were pretty sure they found an ectopic pregnancy on my left side. My HCG was 1200's. My doctor wanted me to return Friday for blood work and another US. I was still convinced that maybe my levels were just not high enough to see the pregnancy, and so I continued to not drink caffeine, and not take pain medicine just in case. By Friday my labs were around 1700, and there was defiantly no evidence of an intrauterine pregnancy. We were devastated again. I started balling in the US asking if there was any cardiac activity, they said no and there was a feeling of relief and sorrow all at the same time. It is the hardest thing in the world to see this prefect embryo that will never be your baby. I was told that since it was still pretty small and my levels were low I should get the shot of methyltrixate to end the pregnancy. For any of you who do not know if an ectopic pregnancy continues there is a change of maternal mortality and  loss of  fertility because you can loose your fallopian tube. The meth. injection is the only way that you can end an ectopic without scarring your fallopian tube, since we want more children this seemed to be the only option. It was something that I was battling with internally. I am a catholic and I looked on the catholic websites to see what they recommended for an ectopic and it was to remove the mothers tube and baptize the embryo. They considered methyltrixate as a form of abortion. My family and friends, and OB assured me that I was not doing any thing wrong. I sat in the doctors office balling as I talked about what my thoughts and beliefs were about the shot. I continued with the treatment since I wanted to save my tube. I went to the hospital and was admitted to the chemo unit just to receive 2 shots. I was just crying and crying as my husband tried to calm me down. The nurse asked if I wanted any information on the shot and printed off a sheet that talked about how it was used for abortion. This was THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE. The shot hurt like hell emotionally and physically. To make insult to injury the next week on day 7 I got labs drawn and my HCG level had not gone down enough (1500s) so I had to go and get another round of shots. I was sure that at this point I really just wanted surgery to get everything over with, but after talking over my options with my ob for about an hour I decided to do the shot again even though she said if I wanted surgery she would do it. But I could never live with myself if we could never have another baby because I was selfish and just wanted everything over with, even though my husband said he would never think such a thing. The day I had to get another set of shots I had to go and get another ultrasound, this time I could see that baby perfectly. I could see the umbilical cord, and my placenta giving blood flow to the baby. It was the hardest thing in the world to see this baby that just so happened to be implanted in the wrong spot. I wish I would of just had a miscarriage, I feel that it would of been so much easier than having to end the pregnancy. The hardest part was that my poor husband didn't quite understand why they couldn't just move the baby to the uterus. And maybe in 10-20 years that will be possible, but for us and our baby that was not an option at this point. After the second shot my levels stared going down I am on day 16 after the first shot and my HCG is down to 800's. Which is good, but the cold harsh reality is that I am still pregnant and there is still a baby inside of me while we grieve for it. My husband and I found it a little comforting that the baby is just going to be dissolved back into my system.
Trying to move foreword:
My boobs are still sore and I still have some morning sickness. I am still emotionally devastated and I know I will never fully get over it, but today was the first day I felt like getting of the couch and didn't have to be wearing a heating pad because the cramps are so horrible. Carson makes every day a little easier for us. He reminds us how blessed we are to have him in our lives. We have tried not to cry or act upset until he is in bed. I feel that even though we are very upset there is no reason that he should be punished and not be able to be a happy kid. Thank goodness he is young and we did not have to explain anything to him at this time.
 We are looking foreword to summer and our vacation to the beach and Disney world in May. This summer will be tough since we can not even think about trying and have to actually try not to get pregnant for at least 3-5 months depending on my labs. My OB said in 3-4 months I will get a lap. done to clean out my tubes and uterus before we start trying again since my endometrosis was probably the cause of the ectopic since I have no other risk factors. I know at the bottom of my heavy heart that this is going to be a long journey and I will need to have patience, but hopefully at the end we will be able to give Carson a brother or sister. I return to work next week and I am horrified of how I will feel and react. Thank you for reading:-) and please feel free to post any thoughts