Wednesday, February 15, 2012


Well we were elated to find out we were pregnant after the iui, my hcg levels started low but after bleeding a little they still came up nicely. Last Friday I started cramping on one side again and went for an ultrasound and they saw what could of been an ectopic but no thing in the uterus, I was still early so they had me wait out the weekend and go again Monday. My hcg level had plummeted and they saw nothing on the ultrasound. The MFM thinks I had another ectopic that resolved it self. Before this happened I was on rest at home for 2 weeks due to the bleeding and was on progesterone suppositories as well. I just felt that in 3 weeks I have gone on an emotional rollercoaster. It is so hard to experience another loss when it took us another year to get here. But this time I do feel a little more at rest with it all. I think part of it is that it happened naturally, the ectopic last year just kept growing and growing and that was heartbreaking to know it was me or the baby and I still struggle with that a year later. I think another part is that every treatment that fails and every baby we loose it becomes more and more evident they Carson IS OUR miracle baby. We always knew he was a miracle from God but we are realizing just how amazing it really is that he is here.
My husband has been amazing, this weekend while we had to wait out the bad news was my birthday, I wanted to lay in bed and do nothing, but he insisted it would be good for me to get out of the house abd took me to see The Vow and sone shopping, and I was suppressed how much better it did make me feel.Carson puts a smile on my face every day also. We decided to tell him nothing about this baby until I started showing and I am glad we did not now. I could not take him being disappointed as well. I have been realizing that even though it is sad I still need to be a mom and wife. I gave a doctors appointment today to see where we go from here. So well see.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

2012 has to be good!!

Well since my last post it has been the best and worst of times. I have had to go to numerous baby showers, we had a visit from my brother and my pregnant siter in law. Carson had a great time with his cousin, and even thought there was a lot of drama involved and sheerheartache for me, I am glad he had a good visit and to me that is all that matters, I would go to hell and back for him.
Speaking of hell....... we were at an amusement park that does train rides for Christmas and I even went though the disabled line with my pregnant sister in law, last time I checked being pregnant was not a disability, to me it's a dream, but all she did was show her belly and they let her cut in front with her family, and of course Carson wanted to ride with his cousin.....that was one of the many low points, it was humiliating. The line that we cut I front of was at least an hour. It was hard place to be.
I have lost the support from my mom in the mist of everything, we can't see eye to on my feelings,and she says she can't be sad for me anymore because she needs to be happy for my brother and sister in law, it really hurt to say the least.... But I have decided to not talk to her about infertility and my pain and things seem better, she is a wonderful nana to Carson and I am thankful for that and I am hoping that our relationship can get better this year too. I have been very hurt but I am looking forward and moving on and hoping things will get better.
Christmas was great, and Carson was absolutely adorable, and I really got to enjoy time with my boys, and we had a great new years with friends.
Work has been beyond hard and I have started to look into different things to do and maybe go back to school. We are doing IUI the next 3 months and if those 3 rounds don't work I can't see myself there anymore. I love my job, and I love my schedule, but giving people healthy babies and especially ones who sometimes could care less is way more than my heart can bear after everything I've been through. It's really almost a form of self torture staying there, and of course there are now, get this..10 pregnant staff members at one time!!! So if I'm not in a room delivering a baby to someone, I'm at the desk where all they can talk about if pregnancy and that I need to drink the water, I came back with the remark that maybe I will just jump out a window....but none of the talk subsided and it keeps getting worse I guess they didn't get the
I know that 2012 is going to be a good year, this year we are either going to get our baby or we are going to find peace with our decision to just keep the 3 musketeers, and booth would be way better than treatment, loss, and the limbo we've been in.
I have completely cut out Facebook, and it has been great and I highly recommend it to anyone going through infertility, I just feel resentful and hurt when I see belly pictures every week, not I dont have to see it.
Thank u for reading and I really appreciate your advise an support:-) it means slot

Monday, October 31, 2011

Living a new dream....

I've tried to have a different view of things lately.....October was devastating to put it mildly. I started my period the same day as my due date after telling myself I was pregnant. I was so emotionally shattered I've decided to take a break from it all. I've decided to live presently in the dream I'm in.. I have an amazing husband and we have a love story that anyone would be lucky to have, I have an amzibg, loving, smart, sweet little boy. We gave had the ability to take him to Disney and the beach every year. When I look outside the box I realize I am already blessed. It's amazing how therapeutic it is to just have a few weeks already of not thinking what day I'm on, actually get to make love with my husband whenever I want(not on a schedule), and try to get back to myself emotionally and physically. I almost felt like I had lost myself in the mist of all my grief.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Hard time....

Well since the last time I've blogged it has been an emotional rollercoaster. The last 2 rounds of clomid have failed. On my third and due to start Sunday and do I do not feel pregnant so I am expecting and preparing to start my period again. This week is also my sweet baby's due date. Miss my angel more than I could of ever imagined, I've even been dreaming of them more...
Work has been EXTREMLY hard. I am seriously thinking of changing my career that I have wanted for so long and worked so hard for. But constantly working hard to give people the one thing u can't have is hell. There has been so many patients with my babies exact due date and I can't help but hate them for getting to hold their healthy baby in their arms.
I have decided that if I'm not pregnant this month I am taking a break for the holidays so I can enjoy the precious miracle baby boy that I already have. Anyone else ever take a break for the holidays??
My brother is coming for thanksgiving and I am excited but dreading it... The day that I started my period last month my SIL announced she is having a girl. I'm happy for them, but don't understand why done people just get to send their requests to God and get exactly what they want...she had already announced on FB that they will have as many children as needed to have a girl. Any tips on how to get through them being here for 10 days without bursting into tears every second??
Well see where we go from here, I have been keeping very busy with my family. We've been taking my son away somewhere every weekend I have off, and he has been having a blast:-) so thankful I have him... But secondary infertility is more painful than I could of ever imagined..thank u for your advise and reading this:-)

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Really trying to keep my head up....

Its been a hard couple of days. I did clomid 100mg days 5-9 and im on day 18 and still no ovulation!! I don't know why it's not frustrating!! It's been 14 months of an emotional roller coaster and I'm ready for an easy day. Yesterday I got a baby magazine that I have unsubscribed to numerous times....completely ruined my day. I am really trying to be positive but it is so hard some days. I'm dreading going to work to put a smile on my face and give people heathy babies, when that is the only thing I really want. I would compare it to having a recovering alcholic being a bar tender, it's horrible giving people the one thing u want when most if them can't even stop texting to breast feed. It will get better with time I know, but just hard..

Friday, July 22, 2011

Starting over.....

♥ “We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” -E.M. Forester
This quote is the best way I can explain how I am feeling lately.
Since the last blog entry I have been an emotional wreck. My sister in law, who is younger and I just have to say immature is pregnant with her second. My nephewher first is 9 months younger than my son. She got pregnant the exact time that I orginally planned to over a year ago. What bothers me the most is the way they told us. On skype with my son sitting right there, they said nothing and expected us to read my nephews shirt about being a big brother, I acted excited but inside I was dying. And what killed me the mist was Carson. He acted sad and confused that Riley was a big brother. My family has been supportive when they want to, my mother and father don't understand how I feel. I guess the best way to explain it is that it really is like watching someone else live my dream. The dream about having a double stroller with 2 kids that I have had since I was 5. So when my mom mentioned that my sister in law got a double stroller it hit me in the hart, seems so silly but it did. I have really tried to be happy for them, but every time I log on Facebook she gas put something about being pregnant. There was one day there was 4 post in one day about her pregnancy and she keeps taking pics of the ultrasound with different scrap book styles. I think what makes it worse is that when they told us they were pregnant they talked about how it took 4 long months to get pregnant and that they were so worried when they thought she had twins.....had they just completely forgot what we've been through?!?! Not once did they call to see how I doing when everything wad going on, so I'm having a hard time calling her to se how she's doing with her pregnancy. My mom says I should go to counseling. So I could really use the advise to mommies out there who have been through this.. Thank u! Starting first clomid cycle today since our loss, so I am trying to start this cycle with positive thoughts, so just trying to work through this feeling of jealously that I don't want to have:-) I want to be happy for them....

Monday, June 6, 2011

Trying to move on

Well it's been a while. I can honestly say I feel like I've been in denial for 3 months. Having 3 months of having to not get pregnant was different. We had a great time and went on vacation and took my son to Disney world and the beach for 5 nights. I had a wonderful time and really felt like I got to enjoy myself.
Last Wednesday I had my laprascopy and they found a lot of endo. It was even attaching my ovaries to my bowels, so surgery was a good thing. My tubes looked great, so we are very excited about this good news. I am recovering well I have to say that recovery from surgery is a piece of cake compared to the methyltrixate shot 3 months ago.
As I start moving on I am dreading the future s little bit. This month marks a year of trying for us and it is very devastating that a year later I am not holding a baby and I am not pregnant and I am pretty much exactly where I was a year ago.I am a little nervous to start trying again and hoping and praying it won't take more than a year.
One thing in the last 3 months I've learned it that I do need to blog, it helps me with feeling like im getting my feelings out, so as I go on the clomid and fertility treatments again I will be sure to blog. Thank u for your support:-)