Well since my last post it has been the best and worst of times. I have had to go to numerous baby showers, we had a visit from my brother and my pregnant siter in law. Carson had a great time with his cousin, and even thought there was a lot of drama involved and sheerheartache for me, I am glad he had a good visit and to me that is all that matters, I would go to hell and back for him.
Speaking of hell....... we were at an amusement park that does train rides for Christmas and I even went though the disabled line with my pregnant sister in law, last time I checked being pregnant was not a disability, to me it's a dream, but all she did was show her belly and they let her cut in front with her family, and of course Carson wanted to ride with his cousin.....that was one of the many low points, it was humiliating. The line that we cut I front of was at least an hour. It was hard place to be.
I have lost the support from my mom in the mist of everything, we can't see eye to on my feelings,and she says she can't be sad for me anymore because she needs to be happy for my brother and sister in law, it really hurt to say the least.... But I have decided to not talk to her about infertility and my pain and things seem better, she is a wonderful nana to Carson and I am thankful for that and I am hoping that our relationship can get better this year too. I have been very hurt but I am looking forward and moving on and hoping things will get better.
Christmas was great, and Carson was absolutely adorable, and I really got to enjoy time with my boys, and we had a great new years with friends.
Work has been beyond hard and I have started to look into different things to do and maybe go back to school. We are doing IUI the next 3 months and if those 3 rounds don't work I can't see myself there anymore. I love my job, and I love my schedule, but giving people healthy babies and especially ones who sometimes could care less is way more than my heart can bear after everything I've been through. It's really almost a form of self torture staying there, and of course there are now, get this..10 pregnant staff members at one time!!! So if I'm not in a room delivering a baby to someone, I'm at the desk where all they can talk about if pregnancy and that I need to drink the water, I came back with the remark that maybe I will just jump out a window....but none of the talk subsided and it keeps getting worse ...so I guess they didn't get the memo....lol
I know that 2012 is going to be a good year, this year we are either going to get our baby or we are going to find peace with our decision to just keep the 3 musketeers, and booth would be way better than treatment, loss, and the limbo we've been in.
I have completely cut out Facebook, and it has been great and I highly recommend it to anyone going through infertility, I just feel resentful and hurt when I see belly pictures every week, not I dont have to see it.
Thank u for reading and I really appreciate your advise an support:-) it means slot
I hope one of your IUI's works and brings you a healthy baby in 2012!
ReplyDeleteWork sounds beyond difficult!
I kept IF from my family and in-laws, it was too difficult when 3 babies were born in the three years it took me to get pregnant again.
((HUGS))
I found your blog through a listing for secondary infertility support. I can relate to a lot of what you're going through. We had IF issues with our son but were able to get pregnant with a relatively small amount of help. Our quest for #2 is much different. We are on our 8th fertility cycle and I have had one miscarriage along the way. My eggs just aren't responding well and to make things worse, IUIs are very painful to me because of a uterine anomaly I have. So you're definitely not alone and I welcome you to read my blog. I have some ups and downs but I usually try to stay positive and remind myself that it is in God's hands. Good luck to you!
ReplyDeleteI've been away from blogland for awhile...
ReplyDeleteSO glad you're keeping a positive outlook despite being surrounded by pregnant co-workers everyday. OUCH...10 at once, I don't think I could handle it!
Here's to 2012...may you find peace with whatever your journey has in store for you!