Wednesday, February 15, 2012


Well we were elated to find out we were pregnant after the iui, my hcg levels started low but after bleeding a little they still came up nicely. Last Friday I started cramping on one side again and went for an ultrasound and they saw what could of been an ectopic but no thing in the uterus, I was still early so they had me wait out the weekend and go again Monday. My hcg level had plummeted and they saw nothing on the ultrasound. The MFM thinks I had another ectopic that resolved it self. Before this happened I was on rest at home for 2 weeks due to the bleeding and was on progesterone suppositories as well. I just felt that in 3 weeks I have gone on an emotional rollercoaster. It is so hard to experience another loss when it took us another year to get here. But this time I do feel a little more at rest with it all. I think part of it is that it happened naturally, the ectopic last year just kept growing and growing and that was heartbreaking to know it was me or the baby and I still struggle with that a year later. I think another part is that every treatment that fails and every baby we loose it becomes more and more evident they Carson IS OUR miracle baby. We always knew he was a miracle from God but we are realizing just how amazing it really is that he is here.
My husband has been amazing, this weekend while we had to wait out the bad news was my birthday, I wanted to lay in bed and do nothing, but he insisted it would be good for me to get out of the house abd took me to see The Vow and sone shopping, and I was suppressed how much better it did make me feel.Carson puts a smile on my face every day also. We decided to tell him nothing about this baby until I started showing and I am glad we did not now. I could not take him being disappointed as well. I have been realizing that even though it is sad I still need to be a mom and wife. I gave a doctors appointment today to see where we go from here. So well see.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

2012 has to be good!!

Well since my last post it has been the best and worst of times. I have had to go to numerous baby showers, we had a visit from my brother and my pregnant siter in law. Carson had a great time with his cousin, and even thought there was a lot of drama involved and sheerheartache for me, I am glad he had a good visit and to me that is all that matters, I would go to hell and back for him.
Speaking of hell....... we were at an amusement park that does train rides for Christmas and I even went though the disabled line with my pregnant sister in law, last time I checked being pregnant was not a disability, to me it's a dream, but all she did was show her belly and they let her cut in front with her family, and of course Carson wanted to ride with his cousin.....that was one of the many low points, it was humiliating. The line that we cut I front of was at least an hour. It was hard place to be.
I have lost the support from my mom in the mist of everything, we can't see eye to on my feelings,and she says she can't be sad for me anymore because she needs to be happy for my brother and sister in law, it really hurt to say the least.... But I have decided to not talk to her about infertility and my pain and things seem better, she is a wonderful nana to Carson and I am thankful for that and I am hoping that our relationship can get better this year too. I have been very hurt but I am looking forward and moving on and hoping things will get better.
Christmas was great, and Carson was absolutely adorable, and I really got to enjoy time with my boys, and we had a great new years with friends.
Work has been beyond hard and I have started to look into different things to do and maybe go back to school. We are doing IUI the next 3 months and if those 3 rounds don't work I can't see myself there anymore. I love my job, and I love my schedule, but giving people healthy babies and especially ones who sometimes could care less is way more than my heart can bear after everything I've been through. It's really almost a form of self torture staying there, and of course there are now, get this..10 pregnant staff members at one time!!! So if I'm not in a room delivering a baby to someone, I'm at the desk where all they can talk about if pregnancy and that I need to drink the water, I came back with the remark that maybe I will just jump out a window....but none of the talk subsided and it keeps getting worse I guess they didn't get the
I know that 2012 is going to be a good year, this year we are either going to get our baby or we are going to find peace with our decision to just keep the 3 musketeers, and booth would be way better than treatment, loss, and the limbo we've been in.
I have completely cut out Facebook, and it has been great and I highly recommend it to anyone going through infertility, I just feel resentful and hurt when I see belly pictures every week, not I dont have to see it.
Thank u for reading and I really appreciate your advise an support:-) it means slot