OUR JOURNEY THUS FAR

A Little about me:
I am a 26 year old mommy and wife. My husband and I have been together for 10 years and were high school sweethearts, we will be married for 5years this summer. I could not imagine my life with out him. He makes me laugh everyday and is always there for me. We had a son in 9/2008 the first month that we started trying even though the doctors warned us that it might be a challenge with PCOS and endometrosis.  Carson is the joy of our lives. We love him so much and thank God for him every day.
 I have been a labor and delivery nurse as well for 5 years and it puts me in a hard situation at times, with wanting another baby so badly and constantly caring for others who seem to not to have to try. I love my job and the people I work with but sometimes wonder how mentally and emotionally healthy it is for me to continue working there.
I am writing this blog as therapy for me and maybe there is someone else out there who has gone through what I have with trying to have a second child. If you are reading this and you have had a similar situation please let me know, there seems to be no support for mommies who have had ectopic and are dealing with secondary infertility. I have found a few blogs that have helped me with the feelings that I have. I am not a professional writer so if you are on this blog to critique and do not have an open heart and mind go else where.
Things people say:
One of the most upsetting things that I have heard throughout this journey is that we are not thankful for our son because we want another child. I know people are trying to be comforting, and have no idea how I am feeling. But these words hit you like a arrow to the heart. I love my friends and family and their support has carried me through, but I think there is just no way they can know how I feel until they have to look at an ultrasound of their baby that they will never get to hold. I am constantly being asked when are you going to have another? Like I am weird because I have one child. After about 8 months of trying I was honest and told them about how we have been trying and God just hasn't blesses us yet so people would stop asking.
Our Journey:
We tried for 6months before we saw our OB. I laugh when I look back now, but I remember how nervous and excited we were the first time we started trying to have a baby. We thought we had everything planned out, the due date would be march 2011. I  just knew that month and every month since that I was pregnant. I swore I had every symptom in the book, and everyday I went to work  I dreamed of the day that I would get to be in the labor and delivery suite again. I dreamed of what our new baby would look like, that I would deliver in the same room that I delivered Carson in. I was getting ideas from patients on where to but adorable big brother shirts. If I knew now what I knew than I would of laughed at my self.
We started seeing my OB who is a wonderful doctor that I work with in November. We got some labs done and my progesterone showed that I was not ovulating at all. I was devastated to know that all those months of daydreaming, was just that. The next baby was not going to be near as easy. We stated the provera, and clomid. Waiting each month for my period was the worst, I took at least 4-5 pregnancy test every  month before I would start. (I would never really admit this to anyone else and my husband thought I was probably going a little crazy) Seeing negative result after negative result each month was devastating. I felt like a complete and utter failure. Why was is so hard to have another baby? We are good, loving parents and we would give anything for our son. After about 9 months of trying I was an emotional roller coaster. I started feeling angry at work, which is not like me. I didn't know why it wasn't me in that  labor bed getting ready to have my baby, why didn't I deserve it?? I blame some of this on the horrific drug clomid which I am dreading having to go on again.

The baby that I never got to hold:
We Finally got good news! On Valentines day 2011 I decided to take a pregnancy test because I still hadn't started, I was on day 34 and I was feeling sick. I went to the store to get treats for my sons party at school and I decided to just pick up a test. I went home, peed on the stick, and started to make treats for my sons class. I asked my hubby to go and check the test because I could not bear to look at another negative result, since I took a test 2 days earlier on my birthday and it was negative. He came out of our bathroom crying, asking if I was playing a joke on him. We were pregnant!! We were so excited and I really felt like everything was going to be ok
These memories seem like a distant dream to me now. The following Friday I was at work and started having horrific stabbing pains on my left side. I talked to the on call OB and he assured me that it was probably just a cyst since I am now 5 1/2 weeks pregnant, was on fertility meds and had PCOS. He sent me home from work and told me to rest. I spent the whole weekend in bed. By Monday I was feeling better and decided to go to work and was feeling better. Tuesday I started spotting dark blood and continued until Wednesday when I went to work. I called my OB since she was out of town and I immediately went over to get an ultrasound at 1030. I told 2 of my close girlfriends at work what was going on and they were trying to keep me cheerful until I had to go the to US. Waiting for the ultrasound with my husband I just knew everything was ok, I was just spotting. When we went to go get the US they could not find an intrauterine pregnancy and were pretty sure they found an ectopic pregnancy on my left side. My HCG was 1200's. My doctor wanted me to return Friday for blood work and another US. I was still convinced that maybe my levels were just not high enough to see the pregnancy, and so I continued to not drink caffeine, and not take pain medicine just in case. By Friday my labs were around 1700, and there was defiantly no evidence of an intrauterine pregnancy. We were devastated again. I started balling in the US asking if there was any cardiac activity, they said no and there was a feeling of relief and sorrow all at the same time. It is the hardest thing in the world to see this prefect embryo that will never be your baby. I was told that since it was still pretty small and my levels were low I should get the shot of methyltrixate to end the pregnancy. For any of you who do not know if an ectopic pregnancy continues there is a change of maternal mortality and  loss of  fertility because you can loose your fallopian tube. The meth. injection is the only way that you can end an ectopic without scarring your fallopian tube, since we want more children this seemed to be the only option. It was something that I was battling with internally. I am a catholic and I looked on the catholic websites to see what they recommended for an ectopic and it was to remove the mothers tube and baptize the embryo. They considered methyltrixate as a form of abortion. My family and friends, and OB assured me that I was not doing any thing wrong. I sat in the doctors office balling as I talked about what my thoughts and beliefs were about the shot. I continued with the treatment since I wanted to save my tube. I went to the hospital and was admitted to the chemo unit just to receive 2 shots. I was just crying and crying as my husband tried to calm me down. The nurse asked if I wanted any information on the shot and printed off a sheet that talked about how it was used for abortion. This was THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE. The shot hurt like hell emotionally and physically. To make insult to injury the next week on day 7 I got labs drawn and my HCG level had not gone down enough (1500s) so I had to go and get another round of shots. I was sure that at this point I really just wanted surgery to get everything over with, but after talking over my options with my ob for about an hour I decided to do the shot again even though she said if I wanted surgery she would do it. But I could never live with myself if we could never have another baby because I was selfish and just wanted everything over with, even though my husband said he would never think such a thing. The day I had to get another set of shots I had to go and get another ultrasound, this time I could see that baby perfectly. I could see the umbilical cord, and my placenta giving blood flow to the baby. It was the hardest thing in the world to see this baby that just so happened to be implanted in the wrong spot. I wish I would of just had a miscarriage, I feel that it would of been so much easier than having to end the pregnancy. The hardest part was that my poor husband didn't quite understand why they couldn't just move the baby to the uterus. And maybe in 10-20 years that will be possible, but for us and our baby that was not an option at this point. After the second shot my levels stared going down I am on day 16 after the first shot and my HCG is down to 800's. Which is good, but the cold harsh reality is that I am still pregnant and there is still a baby inside of me while we grieve for it. My husband and I found it a little comforting that the baby is just going to be dissolved back into my system.
Trying to move foreword:
My boobs are still sore and I still have some morning sickness. I am still emotionally devastated and I know I will never fully get over it, but today was the first day I felt like getting of the couch and didn't have to be wearing a heating pad because the cramps are so horrible. Carson makes every day a little easier for us. He reminds us how blessed we are to have him in our lives. We have tried not to cry or act upset until he is in bed. I feel that even though we are very upset there is no reason that he should be punished and not be able to be a happy kid. Thank goodness he is young and we did not have to explain anything to him at this time.
 We are looking foreword to summer and our vacation to the beach and Disney world in May. This summer will be tough since we can not even think about trying and have to actually try not to get pregnant for at least 3-5 months depending on my labs. My OB said in 3-4 months I will get a lap. done to clean out my tubes and uterus before we start trying again since my endometrosis was probably the cause of the ectopic since I have no other risk factors. I know at the bottom of my heavy heart that this is going to be a long journey and I will need to have patience, but hopefully at the end we will be able to give Carson a brother or sister. I return to work next week and I am horrified of how I will feel and react. Thank you for reading:-) and please feel free to post any thoughts